"Donlin, Can You Top This?"

-another pointless story by Joshua M. Oryhon

My recent travels have taken me to the undeveloped mass of the state of Texas, the dirty, dirty roads of New Orleans, and to the trampoline-infested grounds of Rice University. Another chapter has been added. Recently, I accompanied Brian "Manuel" Flanagan on a trip visit some baby's mamas at Villanova University, situated 20 minutes from the original Capital of our United States - Philadelphia.

We enjoyed various Grateful Dead songs and lovely renditions of tunes such as "Bertha", "I Know You Rider" and "Terrapin Station". Once that tape ran out, we had to search for some good jams on the radio. All we could find was that song with Ja Rule (The Poor Man's DMX) singing "What would I be without my lady" or some trash like that. We first hit up a rest stop McDonald's where some 14 year old hotties gave us the look-see. I was in the wrong position to see if they were really digging us, so I'll have to take Brian's word on it. They have dug the 2 visor that we rocked.

After a minor delay, we arrived at Villanova. The weekend got off to a smashing start when we were harassed by a security guard. The conversation went as follows:
Josh: How do we get to Harley Hall
Rent-A-Cop: How long are you staying?
Josh: We are looking for a friend.
Rent-A-Cop: You're still not answering my question.

After striking out on a beer run at ACME (that was right next to a Ferrari dealership), we eventually find our way downtown to a pizza place called Pizzi's where we can buy over-priced Colt 45 forty ouncers.

We get back to the campus to wait for Flanny's friend Shannon. Whilst waiting in the parking lot, we witness a dude get pleasured by his date in the front seat of his SUV. I guess he had to get her back before her curfew, because they broke out quickly right before 1am. We eventually meet up with Shannon and her roommates. We are introduced to Bethy, some other people and RACHELLE - probably the hottest girl ever. It just wasn't that she was hot, but she was cute and gorgeous at the same time, if that's indeed possible. Hovering right around her the whole time was her boyfriend Mike, Tim, Joe, John-or whatever, it really didn't matter what his name. It only mattered that he had long dreads and was white. You would think that this goddess would like to spend her time with a dude who washed his hair. The night went on with Flanny and consuming our 40s and me talking like a gangsta'. It's been known to happen, and it will probably happen again. As usual with bad beer, we left the "ass" of the beer in the bottles, because it is the foulest, warmest, ass-tastingest beer ever. Those bottles ended up sitting out all night.

As we came alive the next day, the joke was who the Ass Fairy was. Someone had come and drunk all the Ass of the beers during the night. I immediately mouthed to Shannon and Flanny that I thought that the Bob Marley-wannabe did it. They got such a kick out of it. Looking back, it seems it's one of those jokes that only are funny when you are there. Oh well. I'll get over it.

We breakfasted at IHOP. On the way, we witnessed a black man riding one of those bicycles from around 1920, the ones with the huge front tire and the really tiny back one. I have never seen anything like that before in my life. And will probably never see it again. Food finished, we retired back to Villanova to watch some NCAA basketball. Later in the evening, Flanny and I tried to play some hoops of our own, but the 50 mile an hour wind threw our shots around the court. The highlight of the night was Flanny running after a ball and almost falling into a mud puddle. yeah, it was that weak.

Saturday night we toyed with the thought of going out, but since we are such cheap bastards, we decided to stay in with some more 40s. This night contained the viewing of the movie "Go", the viewing of Radiohead on Saturday Night Live and subsequent making fun of the band by people other than me, and the crying of a girl that I supposedly insulted. She was wearing a jean jacket and I asked if she was in the band Warrant. Apparently her father bought her that jacket for her birthday, so she got really uptight and didn't dig my jokes. Flanny said she was uptight. I agree. All we do in Albany is bust on each other, and apparently they don't do the same in 'Nova.

Dorks.

Our last day was punctuated by the visiting of the Ass Fairy; we were convinced it was the Side Show Boyfriend by now. Flanny enjoyed some Wendy's and then made the voyage back to Albany with loaded wallets, heads full of quotes and for some of us, mouths full of hair.