Willy Harder

The Willy Chronicles

Alright, where to start? Willy Harder is one of the most amazing kids I have ever met. For all of you unfamiliar with "Willard", as my mom calls him, I will strive to explain myself well enough and tell these stories well enough for the tears to roll off your face, as they are currently doing so on mine. As most of you all know, there is a "Quote of the Day" section, nestled here on the page. Willy, in all his magnifience, deserves his own QoD section. He has lightened many situations by his insatiable humor and comments.

...after finding out we were to play St. Mary's in basketball - "Oh, I hate those fat little kids in red suits."

...opening a present that was an ornament - "Is that a cookie?"

...making fun of some kid - "You're such a numbwall."

There are many more quotes that I can't quite place right now. But now I move onto stories that involve Shaq Will.

Chapter One - "Willy - The Human Marshmallow"
Willy and I were in South Bound Brook, NJ helping out at the St. Thomas Sunday festivities. We were stationed at a table at the entrance of a parking lot, and we supposed to collect five dollars from people before they could park in the lot. It was a rainy day, and Willy needed an overcoat. There just happened to be an unopened white rain parka in our van. Willy put it on, and continued to work. Now, as many people can attest, at least from a distance, there seemed to be a huge marshmallow with legs walking from car to car. That marshmallow was Willy.

Chapter Two - "Grillin' and Chillin'"
This lovely tale also occured during one of our numerous St. Thomas Sunday weekends. One of the planned events scheduled for the weekend was a Bar-B-Que on Sunday afternoon with all the bishops. The grill was set up and all the ingredients put in place. It was apparent that everyone was responsible for their own hamburgers and hotdogs, until Willy stepped in. He donned an apron with "Kiss The Cook" on it, and started throwin' some meat products down on that grill. Willy fed the entire congregation with his masterful impromptu preparation of hamburgers and hotdogs.

Chapter Three - "'Don't Nobody Go In The Bathroom for Thirty-Five, Maybe Forty-Five Minutes.'"
This is a brief one. At various church conventions, we would scramble to use the bathroom before Willy, because it was simply impossible to walk near the door after he was done with it. Even if I did not have the urge to use the restroom, I would sit and force myself to use the commode, so I wouldn't have to gas mask it later on down the road.

Chapter Four - "Willy's Pad"
I went to visit Willy at home late in 1999. He was waiting for me on the curb in an orange shirt with holes a'plenty, hair that hadn't been combed since the Bush administration and a dude named "Shaggy". I went up and chilled with Willy and "Shaggy", who had at least five foot dredlocks. While Willy gave me a tour of his new pad, "Shaggy" was rolling a phat chronic blunt with marginal sucess. More weed ended up in Willy's 6 foot long fishtank, complete with South American Pirahna Fish.

Chapter Five - "Willy's Wax Balls"
One of Willy's jobs while he was in the ranks of the Black Robes, was wax ball making. While not an integral part of the Divine Liturgy, it was to Willy. He would bring the sunday issue of the Press and Sun Bulletin, and after fully digesting the comics, he would commence making wax balls from the burning candles. They got pretty big.

Chapter Six - "It's Painted On"
Willy is the only altar boy in the history of St. John the Baptist Ukrainian Orthodox Church to have put sweat stains on the gold robes used for normal services.

Chapter Seven - "It's Painted On" Part Two
The black robes made for the altar boys of St. John's were cut in measurements for normal adolescent boys. Fine Black Robes such as Carmen Baranyk, Pete and Kevin Dobransky, Aaron Halushka, Joe and Tim Zapach and Dave Chebiniak and (not Billy Klish) all fit into the aforementioned robes with no problems whatsoever. However, on that fateful day when Willy ascended to the ranks of the Black Robes, it was indeed a Brave New World. That first Sunday, one was able to discern the outlines of Willy's Jelly Rolls. Of course, these rolls were to diminish in the subsequent years - they were absolutely delightful to behold in their glory days.

Chapter Eight - "Willy As A Baller"
One of Chris Onysko's favorite basketball memories is from our varsity days. It was a game against St. Mary's where the point guard came down on a fast break. Willy was the only man back, and the player, who was a little bit out of control, proceeded to run smack into Willy's stomach and then be knocked directly on his posterior. Willy did not shift an INCH. I think the kid broke his nose...

Chapter Nine - "Willy As A (Base)Baller"
While guarding the tomb on Holy Saturday, it is custom for the older kids to send the younger ones out to guard the tomb for long periods of time, sometimes even seven hours. This was one of those such times. Nick Shirk was sent, with a few smacks to the head, out to guard the tomb at about noon; it was now 4PM. Nick had not seen a human being for that long, and not spoken to one even longer. Meanwhile, downstairs, Willy had commandeered the famous child's Blue Periscope for a game of baseball. While not at bat, we would sustain ourselves with Goober Grapes sandwiches. (Editor's Note - Goober Grape is that fine product that is the Peanut Butter and Jelly mixed together in one container) It was brought by, who else, none other than that acme of invention, Willy Harder.

Chapter Ten - "Food Pimp"
We were going to a Convention in Youngstown, OH. For those of you who are not well-versed in the geography of the USA, Youngstown OH is a long way from Johnson City, NY. Meaning: To arrive by the beginning of the Convention on Wednesday night, the traveling Oryhon's + a Baba + a Willy, would have to leave early in the morning. Mrs. Harder and Willy pulled into the driveway (where Jason Weston once made a no-look glove save) and we begin to transport Willy's gear from one minivan to another. Ok, one suitcase - check, one travel bag - check, tape and compact discs (including one Jeff Foxworthy tape that is STILL in my collection, even though I never listened to it) - check, THREE bags of assorted junk food - check, 30 pack of Adirondack (upstate's finest) soda - check. Upon arriving at the hotel in Youngstown, OH, we needed two bellhop carts to get all of our gear up to our room. The sink was designated off-limits for the week, as it was filled with ice and smooth-flowing Adirondack sodas (grape, fruit punch, cola, ginger ale, root beer and orange flavors). The entire counter next to the televsion held more crap than your local water treatment plant. Chips of assorted flavors (including Pork Rhinds), Hydrox cookies, Pringles, those great assorted flavor pies that you can get for like 33 cents apiece in Apple, Chocolate, Cherry and Blueberry (you know the ones I am talking about), Pretzels, Twizzlers, Fruit Roll-Ups, and a smorgasbourg of other goodies. As the week unfolded, Willy and I chowed down on this great collection of artery-clogging grub. This had its downfalls. When faced with the decision of what to have for dinner, we would have to pass. "What's that, steak? Get that out of here!". Our room looked like a bomb shelter. Drew Carey would have been proud. As luck would have it, rumor got out to the stash we were hoarding. My favorite moment occured when Tim Patronik, Senior adviser to the Juniors, who was supposed to be doing bed checks, arrived at our door and goes "Willy, you got any of those chocolate pies?". Indeed Willy did. Tim howled with delight as he got to rummage through our stash.

Chapter Eleven - "It's On Me..."
I took Jason Weston down to Willy's bar in Binghamton called Corky's. It was one of those great nights when we would drive around in the Soccer Mom Mobile blasting the Devil's Music and having a good go of it. We made our way to the bar, and greeted Willy. He was very surprised to see us, to say the least. He just stood there grinning. Well, Weston ordered up a Coors Light (bottle) and since I was driving, no booze for me. We sat and took in the scene of the bar. Middle-aged men drank to the left, and young thugs chilled everywhere else. Two young women were playing billiards, and being harassed by the thugs. We three proceeded to shoot the proverbial shit for a good half hour. We shared many good times stories, filling Weston in on many of the amazing times we had shared throughout the years. As white crackers became more and more the minority in the bar, we decided to head out. Weston attempted to pay the bill, but Willy beat him to the punch with a, "No, it's on me...". We bid Willy adieu and then made our way in to the Binghamton night.

Chapter Twelve - "Black Robe Hard Core Match"
It was during Lent, and my dad's godson Adam was in town to visit. He was an altar boy, and arrived to chutch after Willy and I. Adam is a precocious little fella, and was extremely wise to Willy. Adam was about 6 years of age at the time, and proceeding to give Willy a run for his money in the "Wise Ass Department". Willy became so fed up....alright....ENRAGED with little Adam that he picked the kid up by his neck, off his feet completely, and yelled at him through clenched teeth. Being that I really didn't want the church service to become a funeral, and that I would have a hard time explaining to my dad how Adam simply died before church, I broke up the match and sent the respective fighters to their corners.

Chapter Thirteen - "Willy Gets An Earful"
We were in church on Sunday, as usual. Willy and I were standing in the back, chilling out and looking cool. Minimal conversation was going on, when a parishioner walked by. Willy turns to me an says, "You know what? I hate that lady - and she has huge lips". I try not to laugh, but immediately she turns around and screams, "WHAT?!" She grabs him, by the earlobe, and drags him to confession.

Chapter Fourteen - "Willy's gone, dOOd."
Jason Weston and I were again cruising in the Soccer Mom Mobile listening to Radiohead's new album - "Kid A". We went to MJ's, and no one that knew was there, so we decieded to hike it over to Corky's to check in on Willy. We arrive before the crowd of thugs, and ask the bartender is Willy is working. He is not, we find out; Willy does not work on weekends. So, to Weston's dismay, I decide to drive to Willy's house like the time Donlin, Weston and I did a Roadtrip there. Theh house looks dark and forbidding, but we mount the stairs like we own the joint. We walk up the dark stairs and walk directly in the dark room. Tension mounts....And the place is CLEANED OUT. Willy had bugged out! We proceed to check all the rooms to see if maybe he was hiding on us, or playing a dirty trick. Convinced that Willy had indeed blew, we went to the pool hall, much shaken by the recent developments. Is that the end?

Oh no.

I go to church the next day and see Willy's mom. She informs me that Willy has moved, and NOT been killed, eaten by his fish or stapped in the back by "Shaggy". Breathing a sigh of relief, I get the directions. I went there that afternoon. And let me tell y'all - it is a fine pad! it is a much better setup than last time, much cleaner, more carpets, etc.

And then I see The Man himself - his hairy man-boobs welcoming me. I knew I was Home.

Chapter 15 - "Corky's Bar Revisited"
It was a Thursday night during Winter Break in the year 2001. Doebler and I were looking for something to occupy our time, so we headed down to MJ's for a spell. We were greeted by the normal Corky's Crew: Bill "Tall" Banovic, Jarrod "Monday Night Hockey" Koch, Zach "THO" Seliga, Brian "What Do You Seen In This One" Bailey, Branden "Ruff Ryder" Cleary, Marco "Camillo's Son" Machitti and of course, Jason "Meat" Donlin. The bar was not very hoppin', so after standing around for a hot five minutes, Donlin suggested that we head to Corky's to see Willy. We mount up. Willy greets us, quite surprised to see me two times over a break. He's sitting down at the end of the bar, near two gangstas with heavy winter coats. Next to them is a rotund White Trashy-type woman with worse teeth than Sloth from the Goonies. Other members of the Southern Tier's Finest are strewn randomly throughout. All in all, the three of us were the whitest white dudes in there. Willy offers Donlin and I whatever we would like to drink, free of charge. We sample Miller Lite. And the night has begun. We consume the free beer and began to get antsy. Donlin and I play darts as Doebler The Designated Driver looks on. After beating Donlin, the large woman from the bar wants to play me. Donlin and Doeblers play on another board, while I smoke the woman twice in a row, still gulping down free brew. Midway through the second game, Willy calls us over to do shots. The booze of choice is Hot Damn! Cinnamon Schnapps. For those of you who are familiar with the Spectator Bus Trip '98 to Port Jervis, you remember the booze that I puked up 19 times was Hot Damn! And ever since that night, I had never been able to taste cinnamon without becoming ill. After much coaching, I do the first shot with everyone. No problems, but Willy wants another, for Cry Pete! I barely contain the contents of my stomach on the second one (I am getting queasy again just thinking about this). We continue the games, and then Willy offers us free pizza. He is freakin' Santa Clause by now. Well, the dart games get louder, and a the bar closes. We don't leave, but continue to play darts. Other friends of Willy's friends are around, and all of us begin to talk about stuff. Willy sits back down at the bar and smokes a dub, much to the extreme delight of Donlin, Doebler and I. The phrase "Willy's Smoking A Dub Up In This Muth" is being shouted. With that hilarity consumed, we decide to roll, but not before one of the younger dudes at the bar talks some trash our way, we continue on about being from the Suburbs and leave, not wanting to make a scene and go Wu Tang Style on that fat fuck with the tank-ass girlfriend. Thanks for the free booze, Willy.

Chapter 15 - "Corky's Bar Revisited 2"
Another trip to Corky's bar was planned by Bob "Bob-O-Mac" Gilman, Joe "Mad Dog" Doebler, Nikki "I'm Here For The Free Booze" Verrastro, Jason "BS El Presidente" Fedish and I. On May 30, 2001 we mounted up and headed over to Conklin Ave for a little Willyness. By now, our crew had grown to include Jason "Meat" Donlin and Zach "Mustafa" Seliga. Upon arriving, we purchased pitchers and shot the bull with the Willmeister. He informed me that his second child had been born on May 23 and that both mother and daughter were ok. I explained my displeasure at not being named godfather, but we soon moved on. By now, Erin "Where's Micha - There's Micha" Micha, Amy "I Think My Voice Is Annoying" Waltersdorf and Jess "Ask Me About the Lesbian Frogs" Whalen had arrived. We were steadily holding down three booths, the only three booths in the place. Meat and I took on Willy's brother and The Dude from "The Big Lobowski" in darts, and beat them by more than 100 points in the first game, and then toasted them in like 8 turns in game two. Keith "Cannon" Hannon and Rory "P" Tobias had now shown up and were getting into the groove, along with the rest of us. Willy made me do another shot of HotDamn, just like he did in Chapter 14, and this time it tasted better. Jason "Specialist" Fedish and Mustafa were representing on the pool table, making Minnesota Fats proud. The games completed, we sat around and chilled, BSing and catching up with the various people that we hadn't seen in eons. Willy turned the lights on at 1am and told us to scram. I gave Willy a hug and then we rocked on out into the night. The party was continued online when we all got home, and that was a good time.

Chapter 16 - "Willy Tells A Story"
While the incidents in Chapter 15 were happening, Willy brought to my attention a story that had long slipped my mind. When we were either Juniors or Seniors in high school, we wre guarding the tomb before Easter and found a piece of five year old pizza in the bottom drawer of the grey desk in the basement of church. ChrisO can attest to this happening.

Chapter 17 - "Willy's Getting Hitched"
Upon arriving home for the summer vacation of 2002, plans were immediately made to attend Corly's once again for some hot Willy action. We rolled thick into Corky's on a Thursday night to get our licks before attending the beacon of American freedom, the IceHouse. As we entered, Willy sauntered up to me and told me that he was getting married in June 2003. I was asked to be in the wedding parrty, and I eagerly accepted. Willy told me how he proposed. The tale goes much like this:

Willy, his baby's mama, his real mother and a bunch of family went out for a Mother's Day dinner at the Old Country Buffet (the restaurant that Eric Bunts built). The family knew of Willy's plan to propose over dinner, and had come prepared with a camcorder. However hard they tried to induce Willy to propose at the dinner table, he refused only to do it later in the day when they had returned from dinner, stuffed with the suculent goodness of that fine OCB nourishment. Willy's baby's mama accepted his invitation to marry and all was right with the world.

As I digested that information, Willy went off to take on Ten Gallon Fedish and Tennessee Cal in billiards, only to lose every time.

Chapter 18 - "Willy Harder Stiffs Cal"
"Tennesee" Cal Heinle was working at his place of employment, the Giant supermarket. It was a warm day, about 95 degrees, and Willy came through Cal's line at the check-out. As Cal walks Willy's groceries to the car (we presume that there were baby diapers in the cart), Cal and Willy began to relive some of the fun times at Corky's. Groceries securely in the car, and conversation, Willy gives Cal a "Well, so long.", hops in the car and drives off. Thus, it can be said that Willy Harder stiffed Cal.

Chapter 19 - "Willy Gets Takes The Kids To Church"
I was reading the ol' monthly mailing from the good people at St. John's the other day, and there was a mention that both of Willy's kiddies were baptized at St. John's.

Chapter 20 - "Willy's Getting Hitched. For Real Now. Women Mourn Around the World"
As I was having my weeky telephone chat my beloved ma dukes on October 12, 2003, she mentioned that an invitation to Willy's wedding came in the mail. Our entire family was invited to the event to be held at St. John's. There had been rumors of marriage in Chapter 17 of this work, but Willy seems set to actually take the plunge in the first weekend of November. If the wedding is anything like our nights at Corky's, you can bet that Willy will lose at pool to Fedish and Cal, there will be bountiful food and spirits, and we will all fear for our lives.

Chapter 21 - Willy's Wedding
On November 1, 2003 Willy was married at St. John the Baptist Ukrainian Orthodox Church in Johnson City, NY. CC.C was there.
PHOTOS
TIMELINE

IS THAT IT? NOT BY ANY STRECTH OF THE IMAGINATION!! Like Willy's tum-tum, this section will always be growing. Just now, my sister is rummaging in my room to find a collection of memories that include many of Willy's Greatest Hits. Be sure to check back then.