Fountain Day
The Rick

Yesterday was Fountain Day, here at University at Albany (motto: “We Don't Care If You Drink, Just Try Not To Do It While Standing In Or In The Immediate Area Surrounding The Fountain If You Could Please Thank You”). Needless to say, a whole lot of hard-working students took a break from their usual studies and activities (read “studies and activities” as “drinking”) to celebrate the activation of the fountain in the center of the campus, and the unnofficial beginning of Spring, with massive amounts of drinking (read “massive amounts of drinking” as “massive amounts of drinking”).

It was a beautiful day outside, perfect for a bunch of UAlbany students (perhaps not the brightest “XXX HOT GIRLS” signs in the Red Light District to begin with) to wander into the potentially unhealthy situations involving two feet of water, lots of concrete, steel, and glass, and of course, massive amounts of drinking.

According to Fox 23 News (motto: “We Report, You Decide That There Is Something In Your Backyard That Will Probably Kill You”), Armageddon was upon us. With “more than a dozen students hurt in the crowd,” the TV news would have you believe that the entire fountain was a mosh pit, and crazed lunatic undergrads were shoving people through windows, drowning one another, and throwing beach balls at the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. (“Dude, that flaming skull would make an excellent bong!”) Also, according to WTEN Channel 10, “UAlbany Fountain Day Ends in Melee.” I don't quite recall an end-of-the-festivities melee, but I'm sure WTEN has a better idea of what happened than us actual students.

Everybody got into the act. My usually anti-debauchery, pro-sobriety roommate got a little vodka in him. He kept his intoxication to himself in our room, though, and didn't even attempt to wrestle an inflatable dolphin and/or pre-med hotties in the fountain. He enjoyed some “studies and activities”, but was never seen screaming in front of Fox 23 News reporter Jill Ringer, who probably hates all of us at this point.

Other notable sightings on Fountain Day:
- In a failed attempt to incite school spirit by dyeing the fountain water gold (which, as almost half of UAlbany students will recall, is one of our school colors), someone, or a group of someones, turned the fountain water green. This particular shade can be found at any Sherwin-Williams, in the Martha Stewart section, as “Summer Fallout Breeze”. Whoever was responsible for this was obviously not an art major, as any art student could tell you that yellow dye will combine with the painted blue of the fountain to form an entirely new color, namely, blue-yellow.
- Both of UAlbany Unplugged President Matt Bruno's nipples.
- The Leaders of Tomorrow floating on inflatable rafts drinking from the Beer Helmets of Today.
- Thousands of thinly disguised alcoholic beverages, such as brown stuff in Dasani bottles, clear stuff on Coke bottles, and Powerade. No one in their right mind actually drinks Powerade.
- Theatre majors and friends (“Don't Call Us PAC Rats”) eventually giving up trying to hide anything, and drinking Molson XXX straight from the bottle, in the middle of the podium. A beautiful sight.
- Slightly less brave students using the stairs outside the Performing Arts Center to rest while filling Powerade bottles with Fleischmann's Vodka.
- Stretchers rolling back and forth from the fountain continuously.
- Five Quad Volunteer EMTs and University Police officers being ambushed by squirt guns.
- My white forearms, as I wore a Mr. Bubble shirt with no sleeves. This is the only day of the year I could get away with it.

My first Fountain Day was a truly memorable experience. It reaffirmed my concept of The University at Albany as an institution where all students share an eagerness to learn and explore, if you define “learn” and “explore” as “get wasted” and “do stupid stuff”. I can't wait until next year. I'll bring my own Powerade helmet.