April 14, 2004

Dear Doc Bopp,
Whenever I try to go down on my girlfriend she stops me. I've told her that I want to make her feel good but when I start she stops me after just a few minutes and we just have sex. Afriend of mine used to date her (a long time ago, and nothing serious) and he said she really liked it. So I'm guessing it's me. What can do I do make it better for her?

Tongue-tied

TONGUE,
When I brought your question up as a topic option among my friends, the males gave themselves away as confused and the females came forth as frustrated, as everyone agreed hands down that this needed to be addressed. I have received several questions about this, from a seeming variety of ages, skill levels, and sanity levels. I chose you, Tongue, because you put such cute effort into the name - and you seemed like the only one who really needed this question answered, versus some other deep-rooted issue (no offense anyone) - but this column is for everyone out there. (Tip for the ladies: get your guy to read it when you "accidentally" leave it on the computer screen when you shut off the monitor.)

Let's cover the basics. Before you even begin to think about giving a woman some oral action, rub the inside of your wrist against your face. Is it stubbly? Does it hurt? FREAKING SHAVE. If you have a full beard, it's not a problem - the longer hair is the softer. But if you have particularly coarse hair, rubbing conditioner on it in the shower will help.

Next, once you get to the bedroom, (or car, or kitchen, or wherever …) take your time. And let me stress that I refer to the time leading up to the act, as much as the act itself. Women require arousal. Men seem unable to grasp just how key foreplay is for females. (Taking off clothes does not count.) Anticipation is the greatest turn-on; to play it safe, don't make your move until you are sure that your lover is beyond the point when they were ready for you to. When it comes to foreplay, being late to the next step will only make whatever you are about to do more desirable, whereas being early can make it completely unappealing, from which point it is hard to gain ground back.

Now, let's assume we all have had basic anatomy. The deal we make is that if you are reading this, you know what the clit is. When a woman is aroused, the clit, like a teeeeeeenie penis, fills with blood and swells - same concept. It can be a good idea to lend the clit a little extra exposure; for ideal access, use a thumb to gently pull back the hood (clit cover - at least some of you didn't know about that!) This can also be done by pressing gently up on the stomach. (This serves a double purpose; pressing on the stomach can increase a woman's orgasm greatly.) Be careful though; some girls have exceptional sensitivity and this could be too much stimulation for them.

This leads into the next point, which is that you must learn to read your partner. If you are having a ton of difficulty, please just ASK. "Does this feel good?" "Do you like this?" These are some basic sample questions in case anyone is really at a loss. Instinct and judgment are good starting points, but if they are getting you nowhere, it's time to move on to verbal communication. If you can't talk to your lover about her body, you shouldn't be touching it.

If your chica is shy about asking for what she wants, there is another, and certainly more mutually exciting alternative; one that again, must be proposed gently and with great care. (Nothing kills desire more than apprehension on the part of the receiver.) Ask your lover to pleasure herself in front of you. Masturbation is fun; most girls who say they don't do it are lying. Women know what touches feel good to their own bodies. Pay attention to what parts of their bodies they pay attention to, and in what ways. (All couples should do this for each other; educational and fun!)

In terms of tricks and techniques, here are a few:
1. You DO want to use your hands; fingers are for penetration, not tongues. The stiff-pointy tongue thing, honestly, is as universally hated as it is used. Please, no more. Tongues can be and do a lot of things; they are gentle, soft, wet; they can go fast, or slow, with harder pressure, barely any pressure; they can (and should) flick, lick, circle; and they should absolutely participate in sucking (remember the idea of the clit as a mini-penis?) But not penetrating. Match the rhythm of your tongue with your fingers and you will have a dynamite combination. (Note: When it comes to penetration, make sure the moment is right. The contractions of her muscles as she is aroused should draw the finger or dildo in naturally; if not, pain could result.)

2. The tongue does not, however, have to be glued to the clit. Just above it, or to the right or left of it, or in the groove just below, are also wonderful spots, with lots of teasing potential. Try staying on one of these areas till your partner begs you for the real deal. Also, the upper thighs and stomach also benefit from some licking.

3. Temperature tricks. (Ask for a return on this one, it works for both sexes.) Keep a hot beverage like tea or cocoa next to the bed one night … OR a popsicle. Sip the drink or suck the pop and get your mouth to one extreme temp, and then proceed. To really achieve something, alternate both. This is a favorite across the board. Along the same lines you have the different Altoid flavors (cinnamon or wintermint?), toothpaste, Hall's, or anything for that matter. Go on and get creative! Visit your local sex shop, they have fun and lickable things.

4. Some light blowing can be nice, especially in conjunction with trick number 3.

Lastly, my good friend Mel says: Don't slobber! (Let the wet spot happen for the right reasons …then we'll discuss who lays in it.)