Dorks never cease to amaze me with their stupidity when it comes to women, and it is because of this I feel the need to continue dispensing my advice on things to avoid. I would like to remind you all that these events are not fictional. There really are people out there this pathetic.

Lesson 3: Gullible Dumbasses

If you dance like you are having an epileptic seizure and you wish to be doing this with a girl, chances are slim you'll find one. If you ask a girl to dance with you and she responds "I'm too tired to dance - I have mono." And when you try to pull her to the dance floor she responds "oooohhh my spleen!" This means she doesn't want to dance with you. Not only that, but she is so surprised you would even think of asking her that she doesn't want to just say "no" she has to make fun of you too by making up an insanely untrue excuse. This also holds true with statements like "I can't talk to you, because I'm Turkish and if I do my husband will fly overseas and kill us both." Next time a girl says something similar to either of these things, save yourself some embarrassment and just walk away, don't press the issue. And before you start trying to offer her some comfort for her terrible situation stop and think… "Wait a minute, maybe she's lying!" Trust me, it's better for both of you that way.

Lesson 4: Gregg The Rapist

During my senior year of high school my crew and I would all pile into my friend Krissy's old station wagon and head north of the border to a little shit hole club called The Rocket. Krissy's boyfriend, Dan, would sometimes come up from Balston Spa to go with us. One weekend he wanted to come but Krissy couldn't go get him, so he got his skanky friend Gregg to drive him. I didn't know Gregg, but everyone that did, hated him… well except for Dan.

Krissy had some photos of us at The Rocket scanned on her computer. She was showing them to Dan when Gregg walked in. He pointed to me and said, "She's fucking hot!" Krissy warned me before I got to her house that he would be trying to get down my pants. Normally we'd go to The Rocket on Friday nights when they had an open bar. On this particular weekend though, we went on Saturday when you had to pay for each individual drink. I only had $15, so after I paid to get in I bought two mixed drinks and was out of money. Gregg, my horny hero decided to buy me some beer. I hated beer and I wasn't too fond of Gregg but it's amazing what a desperate person can tolerate. I let Gregg by me a drink. I wasn't even done the first one when he asked, "Do you want another beer? I have cigarettes too, Newports. Do you want one of those? You can have one if you want. Do you want to dance? Does your back hurt? I can give you a massage." I took him up on the beer. This continued throughout the night. The Rocket was dead so I didn't dance much. When I finally did it wasn't long before I felt someone's hips ramming into my ass. Call it dancing if you want, but I'd say it was more like a large dog trying to get off by humping my leg. By this time I was pretty drunk so when I turned around to see Gregg there trying to dance with me after I had told him no countless times before. I had no problem with telling him what a nasty ass piece of shit I thought he was. This didn't seem to discourage him any.

On the way home Gregg managed to maneuver his way next to me in the car. He put his arm around me and started asking me if I needed anything again. I heard Dan yell from behind me, "Give up Gregg, you're not getting laid tonight." I told Gregg that Dan was very right. This didn't seem to discourage him either. It was a little after this that a very disgusting smell started to spread throughout the car. I was the first one to notice it, so it was clear to me that Gregg's farts were the source. I just rolled down the window and stuck my head out it to avoid getting sick. I didn't say anything… until Gregg blamed it on me. I don't think I am capable of making a smell even close to as horrid as the gas escaping the ass planted next to me. Now guys, blaming your flatulence on the girl you're trying to get into bed isn't a good way to accomplish your goal.

When we got back, an extremely drunk me was sitting on my friend Alishia's bed. Dan came in and told me to watch myself because there were some sick fucks out there that might try to do something to me in my sleep. He offered to let me sleep on the floor in Krissy's room. If I had to choose between trying to sleep while Krissy and Dan had sex on the bed above me, or kicking away Gregg the rapist, I'd take my chances with Gregg, which is what I did.

Krissy tried to get Gregg to sleep on the couch in the living room, but he wouldn't. He insisted on sleeping in Alishia's bed. He tried to convince me to sleep on the bed with him, and I just told him he was gross and that I was sleeping on the floor. He gave me all the pillows on the bed, and all the blankets too leaving him with nothing. He did this, I found out later, because he was planning on joining me shortly. Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for her, Alishia came back and got into bed. I was woken up by her screams a few hours later. Apparently, Gregg had taken off her shorts and tried to eat her out while she was in a drunken sleep. This is the second time I've written about guys trying to sexually pleasure a woman while she slept, in case some of you are really dense (and obviously people are - otherwise I wouldn't have to write about this) DON'T DO THAT! From then on Gregg was known as "Gregg the Rapist". Whenever we talk about him that's how we refer to him and Dan's stopped defending him.

I never talked to Gregg the rapist after that. Last I heard he dropped out of college and sold his car for some crack. (No Joke) But I guess that's Balston Spa for you… or at least all the people I've ever met from there.