KEEP MOVING
Peter Griffin

Heellloooo! How can this malarkey still be going on? I must be in the wrong union.

WHEN IN DOUBT, TRY AGAIN
Don Guthrie got caught robbing a coin-operated laundry and to stay out of jail, he signed up with a bail bondsman. To cover his post-dated check, Guthrie robbed a bank, netting $9,000. He would have gotten away clean, but smashed his car while fleeing the scene. Guthrie is now being held on $100,000 bail. Guess how he plans to pay that bill.

SUPPORT YOUR GREAT DANES www.asuhockey.com
F. Wagner, the road warrior reporter, submits this trip down memory lane:
THE THRUWAY: “We have one thing in our favor…the games never start on time”
THE BELT: “Closed…an accident.
THE VAN WYCK? Jammed.
THE GOWANUS? Huh?”
STATEN ISLAND EXPRESSWAY: “They can’t secede…where will we put all the garbage?”
THE L.I.E: “Half a mile in half an hour, and these nitwits call it an expressway.”
THE CROSS ISLAND: “You spend more time driving than they do playing.”
THE GOETHALS: “That’s nice kid, but do you know you live on a garbage heap”
9W: “He didn’t really say that, did he? Uh, yes, yes he did.”
THE TACONIC: “Relax sir, they’re not dynamite, they’re road flares.”
THE VERRAZANNO: “Seven bucks to visit a land fill?”
THE GARDEN STATE: “Which exit? No, seriously.”
THE HUTCH: “I know they’re going too fast, you know they’re going too fast, but you’re not going after them…they play for Albany.”
WEST SHORE EXPRESSWAY: “Is the rink on the right and the prison on the left, or the other way around? And how can you tell?”
THROGS NECK: “According to this, you can’t get there from here.”
SAW MILL PARKWAY: “So, you had a choice between the deer and this lady’s car, and you hit her car?”
HENRY HUDSON PARKWAY: “And he didn’t mention the open air aspect?” Uh, no, no he did not.”
WEST SIDE HIGHWAY: “Get in the emergency lane. It’s a hockey game and you’re late…that counts.”
711s EVERYWHERE: “I’m sorry, my bad…I should know better than to stand near the beer.”

SEVERE SHRINKAGE
Whoever robbed the local auto parts store this winter may have escaped, but cops already have a leg up on him. When he grabbed $50, the manager grabbed him. In the scuffle, the bandit lost his prosthetic leg. "It just popped off," according to a mechanic, “and took the guy’s pants too.” Wearing nothing but his bathing suit, hop-a-long made it through the snow to the getaway car. The fake leg costs several grand and will be easy to trace. If not, the security camera caught the whole thing on video...coming soon to a blooper show near you.

CORPORATE HONESTY
New Zealand's phone company apologized for billing a customer for being a jerk. Auckland native James Storrie received a $140 charge on his phone bill, listed as “Penalty for being an arrogant bastard.” It’s a sad day when corporations must apologize for being honest. Next you’ll want Big Tobacco to admit smoking kills. Wait…they already do that…RIGHT ON THE BOX. Nevermind.

MISS MANNERS WOULD APPROVE
Roy Allen walked into a bank with a note: “Excuse me. This is a robbery! All I want is the money from the cash drawer. No one has to get hurt or shot but me. Sorry for your inconvenience.”

Allen took $2,000, but when the local paper published the note, a friend recognized the handwriting and gave him up…nice friend. Van Allen turned himself and returned the cash. He confessed, noting that he had waited until the other customers had left and thanked the teller for her cooperation. The prosecutor thinks mental illness may be a factor…no, really, he does.

A PILL HERE, A PILL THERE
An 81-year-old woman in a wheelchair was just locked up in Miami for smuggling 10,000 Ecstasy pills. The suspect, arrested with her 56-year-old grave-robbing boyfriend, told investigators that she thought the pills were Viagra…insisting they were for personal use. Has anyone else noticed that she was 25 when her boyfriend was born?

NEED A JOB?
Dealers are recruiting smugglers who the cops won’t profile as couriers. Must enjoy hot climates and cramped spaces. Contact jmoryhon@hotmail.com. Serious inquiries only.

YOU MAKE THE CALL
Troopers make life and death decisions every day - regular or decaf. You know you've been on the job too long when...a certain statie was on patrol one warm summer evening when a young woman in the passenger seat of the convertible ahead of him stood up and waved…stark naked. There is a god. Without missing a beat, the officer issued a summons for “no seat belt.” Fear not...while the officer was technically accurate, his sergeant heard the story and promptly reassigned him to the property room…otherwise known as the rubber gun squad.

Write when you get work.
(Peter Griffin accidentally installed the deer whistles on his car backwards. Now everywhere he goes, he’s chased by a herd of horny deer.)