Keep Moving
Peter Griffin

If this reads more lame than usual…how can you tell…I’ve been too busy with my hobby – the world's largest seashell collection. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it…Fox has…Who am I kidding, no one reads this.

CHECK YOUR SHADOW
Government sources recently revealed a "shadow government" of senior officials living and working secretly in a cave facility outside Washington. The operation, conceived during the Cold War, went into effect shortly after Sept. 11. It is designed to maintain continuity should Washington be destroyed by terrorists. If terrorists use weapons of mass destruction, the government…in theory…would continue providing key services and respond effectively. Has it occurred to anybody to ask when? When has the government ever provided key services effectively?

In fairness, I should point out that the DMV…the ultimate in civil servant customer service…has been working out of a hole in the ground for years. The plan calls for activated officials to work underground 24 hours a day…yeah, right…and accomplish just as little.

WANTED: ONE INTERN, MUST BE HOT
Former President Bill Clinton again denied allegations that he was looking to hiring attractive, tight-lipped interns for his Harlem office. And the problem with that is…what?

At least one reporter…no, not F. Wagner…submitted a resume to the ex-president's office and got no response. A follow-up phone call revealed that the position had been filled. However, when the reporter resubmitted her resume with a photo of an attractive, bosomy redhead…a Clinton staffer (read: fluffer?) called within three hours to set up an interview. Future applicants should submit materials to jmoryhon@hotmail.com.

TWELVE STEPS
A group of drunken hunters cut off electric power to a third of the local population when they used a tower holding high-voltage lines for target practice. One building affected by the 30-minute blackout…the town hall, which was holding an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at the time…delegates were obliged to take a coffee break…well, at least they claimed it was coffee.

YOU CAN’T FIGHT CITY HALL
Abdul Rahm cheated death by escaping Egypt's biggest disaster - a train fire that killed 400 people. A week later, he recognized his name on the list of those killed. The government had issued a death certificate and told him he must appear in person to dispute it. On his way, Rahm was waiting at the station to transfer trains when he slipped under a passing train and was killed…proving that when city hall decides it’s your time…it’s your time.

CRIME WAVE
Will someone stop the madness? Will someone stand up and protect the innocent and defenseless from a rampant killing spree…
* Randy Johnson, Diamondback pitcher, killed a dove with his 152 km/h fastball;
* Michael Llodra, French tennis player, murdered a robin with a power forehand;
* Dave Winfield, Yankee outfielder, bludgeoned a bird with a throw to the plate;
* Tom Kite, professional golfer, killed a bird with his tee shot;
* Jehangir Khan killed a sparrow with his quick delivery. Who the heck is Khan, you ask? He played for the Marylebone Cricket Club, United Kingdom…uh, that’s England for all you scholars…And you call yourself a sports fan.

MISINFORMATION?
Two weeks after introducing the Office of Strategic Influence, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld announced that the Office would close due to media complaints. Apparently, the media thought the Pentagon would manipulate foreign public opinion using misinformation...they got it wrong, again. Rumsfeld pointed out that anyone who said the Pentagon was going to misinform the public was misinformed. And so are you.

Has it occurred to anyone that OSI's first bit of misinformation was that the Office would close? Heck, I've been misinforming you all semester and you haven't complained once.

WHEELED AND DANGEROUS
Police in Vancouver are looking for a legless man wanted for allegedly stealing 10 pairs of pants. Witnesses described a wheelchair-bound man fleeing the Gap with trousers worth $1,600. The man escaped the crowded mall in a car previously reported stolen, according to the police. Has it occurred to anyone else to ask how? How are 10 pairs of pants from the Gap worth $1,600?

SUPPORT YOUR GREAT DANES www.asuhockey.com
Hey, get off your butt and go see your #1 seeded Danes play Morris County College in the semi-finals of the Metropolitan Collegiate Hockey Conference playoffs! It’s all live Thursday March 7th at 9:00 (pm you nitwit) at BIG Arena (just down the road a piece). Satisfaction Guaranteed. This is hockey people - bring bail money.

Write when you get work.
(Peter Griffin has no comment on his landlord’s latest lawsuit: Pete just put skylights in his place, but the people who live above him are furious.)