KEEP MOVING
Peter Griffin

Happy New Year to all our Chinese readers! Welcome to the year of the horse. As if meat at China Buffet wasn’t suspect enough. Your fortune: If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end-to-end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. Try the Mu Goo Guy Pan!

THE GARDEN STATE Yeah, if they are growing smoke stacks.
Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste sites than lawyers? They were given a choice. Seriously though, our roving reporter, F. Wagner, insists that anyone making disparaging comments about New Jersey has never been to Staten Island.

DON’T TRY THIS YOURSELF
Giving credibility to the name "absent-minded professor," Tom Egan simply forgot to show up to hand out the final exams in two sociology courses at the University of Kentucky last semester. When he finally turned up, Egan offered three makeup options. Makeup? What do you mean make up? I miss an exam and they fail me. He misses an exam and I get options? Yeah, thanks Professor. How bout handing out some A’s in the lobby to make up for being an idiot?

PACK YOUR BAGS
Survey says - one in four Brits have sex in the car, most often in the back of a cab. Consider these while I go get my hack license…
§ 21% of Italians have car sex with someone they just met (79% don’t wait that long).
§ 31% of Swedes prefer sex in public places (69% would rather skip the audience).
§ Men who drive Porsches are likely to get lucky (guys who wear the jacket aren’t).
§ 18% of Spaniards do it as often as possible (what are the other 82% waiting for?).

YOU MAKE THE CALL
Troopers make life and death decisions every day – crème filled or plain? Picture this: a long time ago, in a jurisdiction far far away, (ok, last year on the Island) a biker with a long flowing mane of blonde hair was confronted with his blatant violation of the state’s helmet law. The biker pled innocent, removing the hair in question to reveal a legit helmet – with a Rapunzelesque wig glued on. Never judge a book by its cover. Or a biker in a wig, for that matter.

SUPPORT YOUR GREAT www.asuhockey.com DANES
F. Wagner, your favorite frozen field correspondent files this frank report: Your Webmaster continued his winning ways in Mystery, Alaska despite the wind chill. Albany fans (all six) actually outnumbered the home fans…Listen closely for the sound of one hand clapping…An unenthusiastic game against NYU forced Baker to defend himself since no one else would. You want to shove that trumpet where?

Meanwhile, your Danes (18-9) became regular season champs and a good bet to take the Cup. Well, only if it’s full of Yuengling, although I suspect anything will do in a pinch.

MISTAKES WERE MADE
In a previous issue, I reported that two of Rome's ladies of the night, Francesca and Linda, could be reached at jmoryhon@hotmail.com. Francesca and Linda adamantly deny any connection.

Your favorite Webmaster admits that Johnson City, NY is neither a city nor a Johnson.

A follow-up investigation of Resnick’s cooking was postponed due to a lack of interest in veggie burgers. Resnick invoked her right to counsel and pled the 5th, 12th and 22nd amendments. I recommended the 2nd as well, but she refused to go sleeveless.

Police in Oakland spent two hours trying to subdue a wack job (the official term) who had barricaded himself in his home. CHECK SIX After firing tear gas canisters at the house, officers noticed the man standing beside them, shouting, "Come out and give yourself up."

AND NOW FOR THIS COMMERCIAL MESSAGE
Let’s all take a moment to wish Josh and Andie a very happy St. Valentine's Day. Obviously Disney does not have a monopoly on the "Beauty and the Beast" story. Seriously though, happy anniversary and best wishes! At least they have a life.

Write when you get work.
(Peter Griffin’s eyeglass prescription ran out yesterday.)