Keep Moving
Peter Griffin

PYTHON’S THEOREM, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS MONTY’S FIRST LAW
There are many, many laws, some of which are actually worth your consideration. For example:

§ For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction;
§ An object at rest tends to stay at rest, while an object in motion tends to stay in motion;
§ Acceleration is directly proportional to the force used, and inversely proportional to the mass of the object being accelerated; and finally…
§ A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut.

CHECK YOUR MAIL
When Jorge Sudder died, he left $200,000 to Mary Kane, his only (if not legitimate) child. Unfortunately, Sudder’s sister contested the will and had his body exhumed for DNA testing. IdentiCorp confirmed the relationship and returned Dad to Kane, who mistook the ice-cold package for a gourmet “Lobster Gram.” Naturally, Kane is suing IdentiCorp, claiming she was so traumatized she had to store her father in her neighbor's freezer.

PROPOSALS
Getting married? Luckily, it’s 2003, and the following ancient wedding rituals are no longer required:

§ In Persia, the couple declared their intentions by publicly drinking each other's blood.
§ In England, the groom could annul the wedding if his better half didn't conceive in the first year.
§ In Wales, women wore their finest dress, but the groom wed in the nude, hence the June weddings.
§ In India, males (including the groom) were not allowed at the wedding ceremony.

PARENTING
The world’s most important job hit a new low this week when some moron created Liar Liar Pants on Fire, a lie detecting game based on the polygraph exam. The equipment is marketed as a great way to start conversations that bring parents and children closer together. If this doesn’t bother you, do not, I repeat, do not have kids.

INQUIRING MINDS DON’T REALLY CARE
Those of you failing History know that in the 16th Century everything was transported by ship, including the era’s only known fertilizer, manure. Manure was shipped dry, because it weighed less. Unfortunately, ships were not watertight, and when manure met seawater, it restarted the fermentation process. Those of you failing Chemistry know that fermentation produces methane gas. Since the manure was stored below decks, methane would build up until an unsuspecting seaman lit a lantern, with disastrous results (read, BOOM!). Several ships were destroyed before sailors realized the problem and began marking the manure containers with the term "Ship High in Transit" so they would be stored above the water line. And that, dear readers, is how we got the term “shit.”

HOMELAND SERENITY
To combat the growing dilemma of unwed mothers, sex education teachers are encouraging women to consider “levels of intimacy” such as oral sex that stop short of full sexual intercourse. The plan has been criticized as unworkable by family groups, but if the government thinks blowjobs are a good idea, who am I to say no.

GO OUT WITH A BANG
A statewide bulletin was issued for funeral directors, warning about the growing number of casket explosions during cremations. Sparked by pacemakers, silicon implants and farewell bottles of booze put in by well meaning friends, the blasts have lowered the life expectancy for crematorium workers.

Write when you get work.
(Peter Griffin was acquitted of stealing other people’s jokes – it’s not against the law if no one reads them.)