KEEP MOVING
Peter Griffin

DOESN’T ANYONE TAKE A PULSE ANYMORE?
Betty Schmidt, 54, tucked her 89-year old aunt into bed one night. Eighteen months later, she still hadn’t noticed that auntie had not moved. Neighbors became curious about the unusual odor and called police, who found a skeleton in the bed. Shocked? Rookie. A year later, the same cops were summoned to the street by the same nosy neighbors. This time they discovered the decomposed body of a man sitting on a couch. Seems Brad Horton, the man’s son, was concerned about being evicted if his dad moved to the cemetery. Betty and Brad are rooming together at a psychiatric center near you. And in the understatement of the year - neighbors described both as rather peculiar.

BRILLIANT & STUPID AT THE SAME TIME ;-)
Josh Wellington, a 19-year-old computer whiz, was arrested last summer and summoned to appear at a hearing to answer a drunk driving charge. Wellington showed up early for his hearing in his best suit, hoping to impress the judge. In fact, he was so early; he found an unmanned computer and hacked into the court’s database. Wellington deleted his file from the computer's hard drive and inserted a winking smiley face. The judge was not amused, handing down a 90-day sentence, $1,425 in fines and a six-month suspension of his license.

PRESIDENTIAL VOCABULARY
It takes a lot to become the President, just ask Al Sharpton. In addition to shaking all those hands and asking for money, you have to know many, many words. Here now, the top vocabulary words every presidential wannabes should know, as spoken by George W. Bush, President of the United States…Hispanically, Resignate, Misunderestimate, Embetter, Foreign-handed and finally, Analyzation.

ODD JOBS
Last year, Paul Simon quit the marina business to maintain outdoor toilets. According to Simon, portable outdoor toilets are a growth industry at parks, construction sites and county fairs. It’s a dirty business, but not if you do it right, according to Simon, who had no comment on the whereabouts of Garfunkel. In other news…
Condom Tester - a woman does it, but get your mind out of the gutter
Tampon Tester - ironically, a man does it
Potato Chip Inspector - no, you do not get to eat them
Alligator Wrangler - I have no comment at this time
Manhole Observer - someone actually makes $8-an-hour to watch open manhole covers to prevent injury
Mock Juror - ironically, a mock juror makes about $15 an hour, more than you'll get in most courts Golf Ball Diver - Bill Block makes $500 a day diving into golf course water hazards for errant balls Earthworm Farmer - a pound of Red Wrigglers (used for composting) sells for about $15-$20 a pound Funeral Parlor Cosmetologist - someone has to plug up the bullet holes
Television Watcher - Jeff Ross…’nuff said
Odor Judge - sniff armpits, diapers, cat litter all in the name of finding the perfect deodorant Scoreboard Operator - Fenway sports a manually operated scoreboard, but still can’t beat the Yankees Doll Dress Designer - how hard can this be, Barbie never gains an ounce
Foot Model - if you're toes aren’t nasty, you could make $300 an hour
Symphonic Page Turner - apparently Carnegie Hall’s musicians are too busy to do it themselves

Finally, just when you think you’ve seen it all, the local airport is advertising for someone to chase deer off the runway. Apparently, airports often need various animal wranglers to keep wildlife from becoming road kill.

Write when you get work.
(Peter Griffin knows that the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.)