KEEP MOVING
Peter Griffin

Who would have guessed this fiasco would survive its premier issue? Certainly not me. I thought for sure that including the Webmaster’s email last week would have put the kibosh on this fiasco. If this reads like a late night rush job - much like your term papers – forward your complaints to jmoryhon@hotmail.com. He would love to hear from you.

ULTERIOR MOTIVE?
Just when you thought it was safe to listen to the government, New Jersey announced that one of its helicopters, previously assigned to the Governor’s Office, was returning to medivac and patrol duties. Good news for the pilot, who had just stocked up on barf bags - the press release neglected to mention the new governor’s debilitating fear of flying.

YOU MAKE THE CALL
Troopers make life and death decisions every day – radar or laser? The local DUI patrol recently staked out a particular bar. As last call came the patrons filled out – one with considerable difficulty walking. He tried five cars before finding his. After backing over some grass, the guy turned on his lights and exited the lot using the entrance. The officer pulled him over at the corner and issued a portable Breathalyzer test. The result: a whopping 0. After a bit of third degree, the patron admitted being the bar’s designated decoy.

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?

GET A ROOM
Amorous couples in Calcutta recently asked the government for a ''love zone'' where they can meet and greet without harassment. Young lovers have petitioned authorities for a park where people can get busy without being disturbed by inquisitive policemen and nosy gawkers. PDA is still frowned upon in conservative India, but police deny any systematic harassment and refused to comment on the newly formed video squad.

CHECK THE FINE PRINT
Buying a fake ID in Times Square is easy, but not worth the $40. Gift shops do a booming business with under-age pub-crawlers who don’t notice the tiny font on the back: “Not Official ID” - just enough to tip off bouncers and bartenders. New York’s finest point out that any bar accepting the IDs isn’t worth going to.

Did George Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

SUPPORT YOUR GREAT DANES www.asuhockey.com
F. Wagner, our roving reporter submits this report: The second half of the season is in full swing at 15-6. If these guys quit smoking and drinking, our Webmaster would be undefeated. Wait, he is undefeated. Never mind. In fact, his undefeated streak goes back to.... holy shit...1999-2000, his rookie/sophomore year.

Meanwhile, just when you thought your Danes could not score any more goals, you were right. They invoked the mercy rule and skipped the third period. What was Fordham thinking? For that matter, what was Coach thinking? 1.7 GPA? Next, he’ll expect them to graduate. This is hockey people - bring bail money.

HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY, which means the 32nd annual Pro Bowl cannot be far behind!

Write when you get work, or a good Super Bowl Party.
(Peter Griffin is hoping someone at Fox will return his calls)