Keep Moving
Peter Griffin

CAN YOU SAY SHAKEDOWN RACKET?
No? How bout lawyer? In the name of "protecting people's rights" one lawyer sued a strip club because his wheelchair bound client couldn’t make it up the stairs for a lap dance. He claimed that the club discriminated against people in wheelchairs and wanted damages for his client’s emotional distress. By the way, what’s the point of a lap dance if you are paralyzed from the waist down?

YOUR CIVIC DUTY
Clearly, you all voted. I know that because, once again, Don Fountleroy Duck did well in the recent election. In fact, Duck has a fine tradition of scoring high in national elections. His best showing was in 1985, when he took 291 votes. Not impressed? It’s more than you got. Besides, he's a cartoon. What other candidate regularly receives token support in virtually every state, getting countless votes…or chads…even though he's never registered. In 2002, Donald Duck beat out Bush and Gore for district director of the Marion Soil and Water Conservation Board in Salem, Oregon. The fact that the job comes with no pay and no one ran for it is beside the point. All 4,570 votes were write-ins…pretty impressive if you ask me. Gore came in second…I’m shocked…with 23 votes. As the leading candidate to actually have a pulse, he was declared the winner. There is something ironic about a lame duck vice president being beaten by a duck. With that kind of record, can Bugs Bunny and SpongeBob SquarePants be far behind?

BECAUSE YOU NEED TO KNOW
That’s right folks, as a public service to our readers…one and counting…we print the news you need, or at least all the news that fits. Before you make any plans for spring break in Rio, keep in mind that tropical Brazil is hit by lightning more than any other country. Omar Pinto, when he’s not blowing up cars, found that Brazil was hit by 70 million bolts last year, double what the U.S. gets despite being roughly the same size. Once again, America gets gypped.

BUT HE MADE AN APPOINTMENT
John “Duh” Dirango, a convicted felon, escaped from prison just before completing his 21-year term. Why, you ask? To complain to the warden, of course. Dirango wanted to file a complaint the jails conditions. Apparently, the suggestion box wasn’t good enough. He claimed that prisoners aren’t getting enough to eat because guards sell the food on the black market. The warden, at home at the time, offered his escapee a cold drink and promised to look into the matter before driving the convict back to jail. The warden insisted that the guards would not retaliate for Dirango’s whistleblowing. Yeah, right. He declined to comment on the possibility that the jailbird would be sent to another prison to complete his term, or that his sentence would not be extended. Either way, you have to ask, have you rehabilitated yourself?

HELP WANTED
Clearly you need a job, but the economy has gone down the tubes. Before you resort to a life of crime, empty your pockets. Responding to the scene of an overnight burglary, Zurich’s finest asked the camera shop owner what was missing. More importantly, what was left? A resume. With his address in hand, they quickly found Joey Miller a 22-year-old aspiring photographer. He denied visiting the store after hours, but could not explain why his resume was on top of an overturned display case. For the record, he couldn’t explain the $6,720 worth of camera equipment in his trunk either. I’ve heard of famous criminals leaving calling cards, but this is just stupid.

DJ KOKO
Proving yet again that you people have no taste, the Gorilla Foundation is creating a CD produced by Koko, California's famous "talking" gorilla. The 31-year-old lowland gorilla has written lyrics for a new album. Apparently mastering some 1,000 terms in American sign language wasn’t enough for this overachieving ape. And you though getting out of bed was an accomplishment. The album, "Fine Animal Gorilla" runs the gamut from low intensity rap and reggae to lullabies. Truth be known, Koko does not actually sing on the album. She did however approve the playlist and mix. The CD should be out in time for Christmas and will be available through the foundation's site (www.koko.org) at $14 a pop. Now that Koko has gone big time, can Eminem be far behind. What? Oh…wait…seriously? Nevermind.

Write when you get work.
(Peter Griffin knows there are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.)