KEEP MOVING
Peter Griffin

I’ve got bad news…all your money is gone and it’s time to get a job…but before you head to Wal-Mart and fill out an application, check this out…

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
There are no stupid questions…but there are many inquisitive idiots. If you don't want to be counted among them, read this semi-comprehensive guide to dealing with the public:

Lesson #1: You spent hours reviewing our product line? It is without irony that I can honestly state that the only products I can imagine being more pathetic are those that didn’t pass quality control.

Lesson #2: You've got questions? We don't care…but there's a slight chance we might have answered them on our FAQ page anyway.

Lesson #3: Can’t find what you’re looking for? We consumed with the product development process. In fact, as I write, small cabals of dispirited creators have thrown themselves into the development of a new series of products wholly unrelated to your needs.

Lesson #4: Signed up for the e-mail subscription? Fear not, we will sell your personal information to anyone with cash. Just who do you think wants your name anyway?

Lesson #5: You just received another generic form-generated email, written by some nameless lackey in marketing? This will establish that any pretense of consideration for “your” needs is counter-productive to our reason for being. Moreover, you asked for it.

Lesson #6: You placed an order? Thank you. I would “personally” welcome you to the growing body of dissatisfied customers, but doing so might show some actual appreciation, which could lead to customer satisfaction, which would defeat the purpose altogether.

Lesson #7: You placed an order online. It's official…you’re an idiot. If your credit card is actually valid, we’ll be selling that information too. Heck, we’ll sell it even if it isn’t valid. As we speak, money is flying out of your wallet and into our account.

Lesson #8: Your order is wrong? If any of the information is inaccurate, please find someone who cares and notify them as soon as possible. We will rectify the error immediately, and on some occasions, without snickering. It is the least we can do, which, as a matter of policy, is the most we will do.

Lesson #9: You want a receipt? You will get an email telling you the order number, final cost and how to track its status. This should reinforce your unease at no additional cost. You're more than just another order to us. In fact, you're the sum total of the amount you've spent with us, minus the design, print, fulfillment, licensing and other costs we incurred.

Lesson #10: Want to tell us your thoughts on our business? Now that you've given us several dollars, feel free to share your two cents with us. No one reads those emails anyway.

Lesson #11: It’s been 5-8 weeks and you’ve got nothing. As you wait an indeterminable span for the order to arrive, your enthusiasm for this purchase will wane and be replaced with an alloy of buyer's remorse tempered with unease about the ridiculous interest rates you're paying on your credit card. Another dissatisfied customer is born!

Lesson #12: You want satisfaction guaranteed? With every credit card effectively processed, my personal satisfaction is completely guaranteed. And it is my promise to you, the holder of someone's valid credit card information, to commit myself to even greater degrees of self-satisfaction in the days and weeks to come, as I invest your money in ever more gratuitous and hollow displays of wealth…for me. Ah, the sweet smell of success!

Finally, while you read this guide of authentic insincerity, don’t be vexed by the intrinsic contradictions. It is an astonishing collection of wit and insight…have you met the author? But I, or whoever is writing this, digress. On to the final lesson:

Customer satisfaction, while theoretically possible, is neither guaranteed nor statistically likely. Yes, the people behind the counter are, in fact…laughing at you. And if you’re at the DMV, plotting your demise. Still need money…nevermind…try robbing banks.

Write when you get work.
(Peter Griffin has a friend who’s into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and...oohh, that's much better.)