SPEECH ONE
Crean: I'm gonna fall. And I met a lot of great people this year. And I just wanted to say that I'm glad that I met you guys…
Crowd: <applause and cheers>
Crean: Because you're all wonderful people…Hold on, I've got to get higher.
Crean:…you guys can all be wonderful people. You're wonderful hockey players and individuals
Crowd: <applause and cheers>
Crowd <chants "Potato!">Crean: Get that thing out of my face. I feel like I'm in an in-in-interview. And, from the time that I have met you guys…
Ross: I like little boys!
Crean: …I've loved little boys
Unidentified Voice: Creaner doesn't pass the puck to Flanagan
Crean: Hey, I may not pass the puck at all, but I love all you guys. And I breakout for the other team…
Unidentified Voice: And I love Flanagan's little sister!
Unidentified Voice: Love Flanagan's little sister!
Unidentified Voice: Flanagan's little sister!
Crean: Load is a fucking dead man. No, no, and I may have loved Flanagan's little sister - the one's that 17 - and I may be the Sick Boy, I am the Sick Boy, I'm the Sick Boy of the hockey team, but I still love hanging out with you guys.
Crowd: <applause and cheers>
-PAUSE-
Crean: We don't hang out that much, because you guys practice and I pick up the sticks after practice. I still love you guys.
Oryhon: Yeah, Creaner!
Crean: And I love hanging out with you guys, getting drunk together.
Oryhon: We love you, Creaner!
Crean: I may be the Stick Boy, but you guys mean a lot to me.
Crowd: <applause and cheers>
SPEECH TWO
Crean: So I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do they give me? The Dali Lama, himself. Flowing waves, structurable swing, remarkable, remembering…striking. Ow ow ow ow, oh.
Unidentified Voice: I give it a 10!
Unidentified Female Voice: You're fucking him up!
Crean: So he hits a shot off the tee - about 10,000 yards. At the bottom of a glacier. And what does he say to me? He says, "Gunga, gulunga." No, no, no, no "Gugugulunga". I was wrong. So we finish 18, we finish 18, and he's gonna, the Lama is gonna stiff me! I say, "Hey Lama, you know, how about some, a little, you know, for the effort? And what does he say?
Oryhon: What does he say?
Crean: "No, no. Not for the effort. But when you die, on your death bed, you will receive complete and total consciousness."
Crowd: <laughs>
Crean: So I got that working for me, which is nice.
Crowd: <laughs>
Ross: Awwww, yeah!
Oryhon: Is it over? Is it over?
Crean: And that is all.
SPEECH THREE
Crean: The drinks I make will make you horny: the "Orgasms", the "Fuzzy Navel", but what - hey, hold up, I'm making this up - but when I make them: the "69s"…
Unidentified Voice: Creaner, what the fuck you talking about?
Crean: …will make you horny…
Ross: Shut up, you fag.
Crean: …and the "Orgasms"! But the bar is open, so for those who want to get drunk - GET A DRINK, you drunk bastards.
Unidentified Voice: Sit down!
Brader: I so love Josh for taping this.
Crean: Someone's taping this?
Crowd: Yeah!
Unidentified Voice: I want a copy.
Crean: What else do I got?
Oryhon: What else do you got, he says
Ross: I'm going to get some food.
Crean: Where's my double burger? Chuck, I want my double burger.
Flanagan: Cry me a river, you fat fucking bitch.
SPEECH FOUR
Crean: Cry me a river, you fat fucking baby. Tonight we have the chance to play like Gods. Kilmer says we'll play the next 48 minutes…
Unidentified Voice: I say fuck 'em
Crean: …for the next 48 years. I say fuck all that. I say Fuck That. I say we play the next 24 minutes for the next 24 minutes. We have the chance, we have the opportunity to play like Gods.
Unidentified Voice: This must be like 4 movies at once…
Bedford: This is seriously like 4 movies at once.
Crean: Why are you conducting an interview?
Oryhon: You don't see this, you don't see this.
Unidentified Female Voice: You're going to die laughing when you hear it tomorrow.
Crean: And I say fuck that. I say Fuck That. We have the opportunity to play like Gods.
Flanagan: You give it a 10!
Crean: I give it a fucking 10!
Unidentified Female Voice: 10! 10! 10!
Crowd: 10! 10! 10! 10!
Crean: And I say fuck that. I say Fuck That…
Brader: I want to say hi to Creaner listening to this tomorrow, because he's gonna feel like an asshole.
Crean: …I don't care, I have pysch homework to do tomorrow. Get this thing out of my face, I don't like it.
Flanagan: Get out, guess what? You ran out of shit to say.
SPEECH FIVE
Crean: Am I lost? Am I fucking lost? I HAVE A SPEECH TO MAKE.
Oryhon: I'm listening, still.
Crean: I have a speech. To make. But there's nobody listening. Hey! People in the kitchen, I have a speech to make.
Unidentified Voice: SPEAK YA MIND!
Crowd: SPEECH
Ross: Goodnight, fucknuts.
Crean: Yo, oh, hold on, Rossi. I have a speech to make.
Ross: Well, if it's about me, then I'm happy. And if not, I'm going home.
Crean: It's about you. But there's nobody listening, and there's people in the kitchen. Get 'em out here. I need to perform in front of an audience.
Oryhon: HEY! Creaner's making a spIZneech!
Crean: I don't have a speech anymore.
Oryhon: I have a speech to make. And that is because I sit the bench. But that is OK, because I have the love and the dedication. I may not play a lot…
Crean: Are there anymore questions?
Flanagan: Yeah, I have a question.
Crean: Does Barry Manilow know that you raided his wardrobe? I'll give you your answer to that next week, Mr. Bender. Hey, people in the kitchen, I have a speech!
Ross: What the fuck are you doing?
Crean: I'm making a speech. This is the last speech I'll make for the rest of the…
Unidentified Female Voice: Thank you!
Crean: …for the rest of my Albany career.
Unidentified Voice: Shut up!
Crowd: Shut up!
Ross: Shut the fuck up!
Crean: My career maybe short, it's about…
Brader: Shut up, you fat fucking baby.
Crean: …I may only have one goal and one assist in the past 17…
Oryhon: Oh, Fuck That!
Crean: …games. BUT, I may collect sticks in the lockeroom. And I may sharpen your skates, because that's all I'm good for, but I love y'all, because y'all are good men.
Ross: It's time to go to the bar, let's go.
END OF SPEECHES